party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
