I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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