I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
