Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
