Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
