It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
