watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
