I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
