She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
