It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
