and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Can I color on your dick again?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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