if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
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