i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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