apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
