Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
