you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
