drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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