i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
