And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
