I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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