just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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