I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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