Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
