remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
