Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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