my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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