what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
