So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
