the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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