So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Randomize
