hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
