Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
