someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
