My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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