just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
