Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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