Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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