how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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