i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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