I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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