Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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