I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
