dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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