waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
