I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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