I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sorry my hands just texted you
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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