I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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