A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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