i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
