I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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