i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize