Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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