I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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