You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
