Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
