There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize