Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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