you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize