You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
