we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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