Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
