this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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