It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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