Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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