You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
