I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
