I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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