I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
