Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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