you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
